Wednesday 31 May 2017

Day 323

Bit of a mad rush this morning to try and secure the house I viewed yesterday, but I wasn't successful. I'm not too disappointed as although it was gorgeous I do still like my original house very much.

So my mortgage application has gone in and hopefully I get the green light in a couple of days.

This evening I've bought a new car for the sum of £300. I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt and not judge a car by its value. Hopefully I won't regret it and it'll be a nice cheap stop gap to get me out if a situation until I can come up with a better plan. Of course being single billy no mates I've had to leave the car where it is and will organise a taxi to take me collect in a couple of days.

I hope I can put this drama behind me now and try and look forwards to moving. Although I have a couple of horrible obstacles

1) Contacting Gavin so he can collect his stuff

2) Packing. I have an unbelievable amount of stuff and I'm lazy.

It's got to be done though. But not today.

Tuesday 30 May 2017

Day 322

My car breaking down has really set me back mentally.

Instead of enjoying the bank holiday like most of the population,  I was in my house, alone, crying. I feel really alone again and just typing this has made me cry again. I feel like an outcast. A pariah. I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends. I am eternally alone.

Why am I trying to buy a house with so many bedrooms? So my imaginary friends can stay over after the imaginary parties and get togethers all my imaginary friends love so much.

I dont even have anyone to give me a lift to look at a cheap car to buy, other than my parents who must be sick to death of me. I noticed at lunch with them at the weekend that my mum has a nice screensaver on her phone. A photo of her and my sister. Reminded me of the Christmas a couple of years ago when we all came downstairs and my mum gushed at my sister about how lovely she looked, and there was me in the corner, invisible. I don't even fit in with my own fucking family.
The only person that got me, my wing man, was the cheating motherfucker that's caused all of this shit for me. I must have been so awful in another life to have that prick be the only person thats made me feel special. What a cruel joke to play on me.


So.....all of that was written last night. Having read it again it's made me cry. I've decided to leave it in today's entry as although I look pathetic and jealous and needy, it's the truth. Most of the time I rise above it but its always there, underneath. I know you're supposed to make your own luck and success but its so hard when you feel inferior for no reason.

My car is being towed again. This time to a local garage so they can look at it. I know its going to be expensive and I can't pay for it but at least its gone from the front of my house.  My parents have very kindly offered to loan me their enormous car until I come up with a solution. So I will have wheels to get to work and the horses but the petrol will cost a fortune. Hopefully I wont have an accident in it as there won't be any damage cover on my insurance.

Good news is that the survey was done on my house this morning and seemed to go well.

.....writing in instalments today. My car is dead. It will cost over £1000 to repair. Even if I had the money it's not worth fixing it. Disaster. A scrap yard has offered me £50. It's got a full tank of diesel worth £60 in it let alone the CD changer and alloys etc. It's just shit.

Just to confuse me even more I went to see one last house this afternoon. Took my parents with me as they were around helping me with the car anyway. Bloody hell I offered the asking price there and then. The owner is "thinking about it". What's to think about? Full asking price!! I need an answer before 11am tomorrow as I have my mortage appointment and don't want to cancel it as I have taken precious time off work. 

Ffs how do I end up with no cars and 2 houses! And I'm now embarrassed by the earlier self pity party!

Monday 29 May 2017

Day 321

Shitbag of a day.

I went to my horses early this morning so I could get home and spend the day being lazy. I was nervous about driving the car after last night but had no choice.

I crept along all the way there. I managed to get up to 30 mph but had to change into first gear at one point to get up a slight hill. I spent a couple of hours bathing the horses. I got so wet I had to take my top off and got back in the car for the drive home just wearing my  sweatshirt and wet trousers.

I knew something was seriously up the moment I pulled onto the main road. The noise was getting loud, and I totally lost power. I went down to 10mph with my foot flat to the floor and my heart sinking even lower. I had a huge queue of traffic behind me, it was awful. I got about 2 miles max when I decided my nerves couldnt take anymore and there was an opportune bus stop for me to pull into. The exhaust was smoking and I was shitting myself. I had to get out to check the car wasn't on fire.

Thank god for breakdown cover.

After not so discretely changing back into my wet top on the side of the road, an hour later they arrived. The mechanic started the car and it started to smoke under the bonnet, so he put the car on the truck and took us all home. The poor dogs had to ride in the boot of the car while it was in the truck but they didn't seem to notice.

So now I'm carless. I have no spare money for repair or replacement. I'm having to look online to see if there's a cheaper house I can buy just so that I can afford to get my car repaired. I'm heartbroken and feeling like I did last summer. Alone, desperate and scared.

All because of a bloody car.

I have the day off work tomorrow so the surveyor can come to my house. My parents are going to loan me their second car short term but its a 3 litre 4wd and will cost me an absolute fortune to get to work in. I'm going to attempt to get my car to a local garage when my parents are here to escort me. I'm praying it's something minor that I can fix for now while I come up with a plan.

Finally selling my house. Finding a house I love. I knew it was all too good to be true.

Sunday 28 May 2017

Day 320

Out for lunch with the family again today. Lovely food, cuddles with my niece. But I was sure glad to get home. Out 2 days in a row is a big deal for me, I'm worn out.

And venturing up the motorway on a couple of journeys has proved too much for my poor car. Its lost all power and I don't feel safe driving it. This is a disaster. I don't have the money to repair or replace it and I am totally screwed without a car. I am worried and don't know what to do. I have just got a credit card for emergencies but was not planning on putting anything on it before I move house. Not sure a few thousand on a credit card is going to help my mortgage application.

Will someone please just come and steal it. Or smash in to me tomorrow, when I don't have the dogs in the car. A right off would be perfect and an injury claim even better.

Saturday 27 May 2017

Day 319

I just typed out a big post about house viewings, visiting family, lunch out, sunburn and my little senile dog annoying then fuck out of me with his constant crying from 4.30am until I go to bed.

He cried one too many times and I just launched my phone and lost my post. My nerves are frayed, I'm in the verge of suffocating my dog so I can get some peace. I cannot cope. I have no life. I cannot do anything because of the bloody dogs. I am trapped in my house or I have to cart them around with me everywhere. There is no escape. Today I cannot deal with it.

Friday 26 May 2017

Day 318

Yay Friday.

3 days alone with an extra and day and half tagged on at the end. Yay 4 and a half days alone .

Actually it's not all bad, I have 2 house viewings lined up tomorrow. I'm just making sure AND hedging my bets. My sister and niece are visiting and it's my mums birthday on Sunday so out for lunch.

I might start thinking about venturing into the loft to have a sort out. But then again I might not.

Thursday 25 May 2017

Day 317

This is really happening.  The people buying my house are having a survey done on Tuesday. I've been worrying they'll pull out but this means they are definitely serious. I hope to God they still are when they get the report!

Today I joined a FB group for the area I'm moving to. I posted asking for advice on do's and dont's and what the area was like for single ladies etc. Had loads of responses, lots of single ladies wanting to be friends. It was nice. It feels like a community and although I'm not a people person this is my opportunity to reinvent myself. Get out there. Try and make some friends. Unfortunately the local news on TV did a report tonight on a housing authority sending complaint letters to all residents in one street about anti-social behaviour..of course its where I'm moving to. Not my street..but still! But I could have that wherever I end up so I'm trying not to be a snob.

I noticed tonight that the dent from wearing my engagement ring for 7 years has disappeared. I don't know when, I hadn't noticed it before. When I first took it off last summer I felt like everybody, strangers included, were looking at my hand without a ring on my finger. It was a horrible feeling made worse by the dent it left behind. A visual reminder that I wasn't good enough for him anymore. Well its gone now and as it turns out he's not good enough for me.

Wednesday 24 May 2017

Day 316

Minor over thinking today.

How very sad I was last year. I can't believe I went through it..that it happened to ME!  What did he do the day after he left? While I was bed bound and feeling suicidal was he relieved? Was he glad to be away from me?

Fucking Cunt.

That's all there is to it. I want him out of my head, erased, an unpleasant memory.

I still haven't looked up his address. I still don't care, but I'm annoyed that he's crept back into my thoughts.

I know its just down to the approaching changes. Moving house and starting over. That's making me nervous and my brain is on overdrive. Am I overstretching myself with this new house? I will have no money left for anything. If I break down again or dogs need the vets I won't have any spare cash. But the alternative is a small pokey home that I won't be comfortable in. I'd have to get rid of alot of my belongings. Why should I? I don't want to. I'm always so cautious, worrying about the what ifs. Well fuck it. I'm going for it and hoping I can manage.

If not...well I've often thought I could make money on a fetish site. Some weirdo would pay good money to watch me stuff my face while I watch TV! Lets hope thats a last resort and shelve that idea for now !

Tuesday 23 May 2017

Day 315

He turned up today and signed the forms. He even put his address down. Its not where he said and now I'm back to thinking he is probably with grab a granny as the post code is that area. But you not know what...I really don't care.

A few months ago I would have been straight online googling the address and finding stuff out. But I haven't looked it up. I'm not interested. The very fact that he is still lying to me says it all. What a complete and utter loser. I was told so many times at the beginning "you'll wonder what you ever saw in him". When your world is collapsing around you it's impossible to believe. But of course everyone and was right.

So long sucker I'm over you.

Monday 22 May 2017

Day 314

My offer was rejected so I upped it. Which was rejected.

I wasnt sure after the second viewing that I loved the house as much as I initially thought but this morning I was heartbroken at the thought of not getting it. So I offered the asking price and I got it. Now I've just got to find the money. Oh shit!

I'm not excited, it doesn't feel real. Plus I am worn out. I viewed another house this evening which was alot less money. I liked it but I didn't love it. I didn't get home until gone 9pm after seeing to the dogs and horses.

Oh and this morning I spoke to Gavin. Says alot if I forgot and it's not a big deal. He needs to sign some legal papers. I rang both of his mobiles but they went to voicemail. So I sent a text to each and a whatsapp telling him I had accepted an offer and need to meet him to sign papers. I was convinced he would mess me around but he rang me back pretty quickly. He's still cagey about his living arrangements but honestly I give zero fucks where lives. He just needs to put his address down and sign. He was a little evasive but he agreed to meet me somewhere tomorrow night but he would let me know when and where. He's text tonight to say he's passing the house tomorrow so I've left the stuff out for him with stickers all over where he needs to fill in. I do not want a repeat of the last legal document fiasco because he's too stupid to figure out how to sign a form.

Anyway, I felt nothing. Mild irriration at having to speak to him. Mistrust of his assurance he will turn up and sign. Other than that, nothing.

I am proud of myself.

Sunday 21 May 2017

Day 313

Second visit to the house I loved from yesterday.

Still like it but much less exciting today as I actually had a proper look and noticed a few things. 

Only minor really. Dodgy artexed ceilings that need plastering, bathroom tiles are pretty bad. That kind of thing. Main issue is making the garden dog proof, especially as the neighbour has loads of rabbit hutches in their garden.

My mum talked constantly. To me. At me. Telling me what I could do with this and that. As if hadn't realised where my furniture could go! Poor mum. I also told her perfume was horribe. Which it was, but I hadn't meant it that way.  My sensitive smell was on overdrive and I can't deal with perfume at the best of times.

So an offer goes in tomorrow. Not sure how I feel. Guess I'll know when it gets turned down. I have an appointment to view another tomorrow night just in case.

Pressure!

And I have to send some paperwork to the solicitors for my house sale. I think bloody Gavin needs to sign it. Fuuuck!

Saturday 20 May 2017

Day 312 - House Hunting

9am
 
After 2 clothes changes I have finally left the house in an embarrassing ensemble. What can only be described as a tent with jogging bottoms. But its ok. I put red lipstick on!
 
In an attempt to save my Mobile data I have fished out my exes old satnav from the box I'd packed it away in and off I go. Fuck me he must have had dainty fingers because I've had to pull over twice to fiddle with the bloody thing and at one point was heading to Aberdeen instead of 2 miles away in Plymouth.  But I've made it. I'm parked down the road, 15 minutes early. So far no sign of murderers or rapists in the area, but there are 2 small humans playing in a front garden next to my car. Glad I'm not looking at the house next to them.

Off I go..
 
House 1 - very quiet estate. All a bit squashed and samey. Actually really spacious deceiving house with its own parking space. Garden bit of a disappointment. £5k over my absolute max.
 
20 minute drive through areas where murderers and rapists definitely live. Next house seems bang in the middle of it. I can see fields and cows so it can't be that bad? Definitely not leaving my bag in the car at this one.
 
House 2 - not a great start when someone else turns up and asks if you're the estate agent. I expected undivided attention and to be shown around not a block viewing free for all. As it happens there is nothing at this house resembling the particulars and nowhere does it mention that its a dilapidated heap. Agents did a good job on photos at this one. Not much I wouldn't give for some hand sanitiser right now.
 
90 minutes until next one. Can I find my way to a more civilised location that sells disinfectant items?
 
I've followed the satnav to the next one. I recognise the area. It's really far from my horses. Not sure it could work but area seems nicer, not so scabby. Found a Lidl, going in for hand sanitiser and cheap doughnuts.
 
House 3 - a huge concrete monolith. Needs work doing. Best thing going for it is the huge Lidl nearby.
 
House 4 - I need medical assistance. And a shower. A chemical shower. And my nose removing and bleaching before reattaching. Something was dead or dying. I can smell it on me now. I can taste it. Thank god I was wearing a scarf I could I use as a face mask. Shame as I fancied the agent with the huge ginger beard.
 
House 5 - same agent. Stroll to the next road. Nice conversation between gagging about the smell of the last place. We get on great. I'm old enough to be his..auntie? He's just being polite but it's nice to feel attracted to somebody again. Back to the house. I Love it! Its £5k over budget and has 4 bedrooms. A proper grown up family home for little old me. But I love it. No parking but dont even care about that. 26 miles from work. Do kind of care about that but I have asked for a payrise...there's a creek and lake nearby and loads of dog walking places. Stay grounded Sarah.
 
House 6 - a short drive from house 5 and right opposite the lake. Same price but only 2 bedrooms. On street parking but seems to be plenty of it. Desperate for a wee and can smell house 4 on me again. I'm a bit early so enjoying the lovely views. Its so quiet. What would the neighbours make of my barking and howling dogs? The house is lovely, newly renovated. Plush new carpets. Spoilt on me as Alfie dog would probably puke on it on Day 1. I only have eyes for house 5.
 
2pm
 
Home now, clothes off and in the washing machine to rid them of the death smell from House 4. Last 2 viewings have been cancelled.
 
I can't believe I actually feel excited about a house which is miles away and doesn't have any parking. My main criteria. But I can be cross about having to park down the road from the comfort of my 4 bedroom house. I don't need it. It's too big. I don't care. Its solid, and homely and I want it. I just need to get the estate agents to convince the owner to sell it to me for cheap.
 
After discussing with my mum I've decided to just go for it and offer what I can. The bearded agent seems a bit nervy and wants to wait for the office manager to speak to the owners on Monday. I don't want to wait, if it's a no then at least I'll know. My parents have been loaning me half the mortgage payments since December and are telling me today that they don't want it back so I should offer higher. It's so kind of them but I would feel like I was taking advantage and am refusing to take it. I'm going to go back tomorrow to look again and take them with me.
 
Everything is crossed.

Friday 19 May 2017

Day 311

I've had such a busy day at work today. Plus 20 phone calls from estate agents who now decide to acknowledge me because my house is under offer.

I've made appointments to see 8 houses tomorrow. I don't particularly like any of them, they just happen to be available for viewing. But you never know. Fingers crossed.

Thursday 18 May 2017

Day 310

Guess who's gone and sold their house then?

Yes...ME!!!

Well, I've had an asking price offer and I've accepted. It was the second couple that viewed last night. I had an email from the agents at 8.30 this morning saying they wanted to come again at 6pm tonight. While I tried to put them off as it would mean another early finish from work and a pain the bum, she emailed again and they'd called her to say they love it and want it. Result!

Only problem is that I now have nowhere to go. I'm trying to look online but don't know where any of the areas are... are they nice/shit/safe? I'm going to try not to get too stressed about it and trust that the perfect place will come on the market this week!

I haven't told Gavin. I'm not going to until there is something he needs to sign. No doubt he'll feel strange and probably guilty and I don't want him contacting me again to make himself feel better. He can fuck right off!

So maybe today is the beginning of the end. I hope so.

Yay... the house is sold.

And here are some ponies and the cutest friendliest little foal I met on the moor tonight. Just because!

Wednesday 17 May 2017

Day 309 - Exhausted

Alarm 4.45am
10 mile drive to horses
Put 3 horses in their fields
Muck out 3 stables
Back in car
2 minute drive up the road
20 minute dog walk
Back in the car
10 mile drive home
Feed the dogs
Mop the Floor
Cup of tea and 25 minute episode of Coach Trip
Shower
Back in car
20 mile drive to work
Stop off at supermarket to grab lunch to have at my desk
Park car
Walk to work
Head down, busy AF 9am to 3.30
Leave work early, walk to car
20 mile drive home
Feed the dogs
Mop the wee
Disinfect the garden patio
Mop rest of floors
Tidy house
Use half can air freshener
Back in car
10 mile drive to horses
Pick up all the horse poo from the field
Cuddle horses
Check and feed friends horse
Back in car
2 minute drive up road
30 minute dog walk
Back in car
10 mile drive home
Get home starving and knackered and viewing still going on in my house

And relax. 2 hours before bed time then repeat

Tuesday 16 May 2017

Day 308

Yawn fest.

Boring groundhog day today.

I burnt a pizza in the oven tonight and now the whole house stinks ready for tomorrows house viewing.

Talking of stinks, I've and been suffering really badly the past couple of days with phantom smells, or Phantosmia according to Google. For years my house has smelt or burning food oil. I assumed it was my crap oven and crapper cooking. Which I always thought was odd because my mums house always smells of it too, only she has an Aga. I've realised in the past few months that the smell doesnt exist. Nobody else can smell it. Just me. Am I nuts or what? I could smell burning all the time. I was getting really cross that nobody else could smell it. It was following me to work. Was the oven smell on my clothes? Colleagues could smell nothing. It was unbearable. So I googled it thinking I had a brain tumour. But I have olfactory hallucinations! Possible causes are many, including brain tumour. I'm too embarrassed to go the doctor as frankly it's weird. Plus it's not always there. Yesterday was unbearable. This morning I woke up and it was gone. It reappeared on my drive to work. Weird as fuck. And pretty exhausting smelling something horrible for long hours at a time. I have a super sensitive sense of smell on a normal day as it is.

So does the house actually smell of burnt pizza? Who knows

Monday 15 May 2017

Day 307

Its just been a totally shit crap bollocks of a day.

I had 10 minutes for lunch as I was leaving early to get home to tidy for a viewing.

I had a call from some complete arsehole at work that I ended up putting the phone down on. A "do you know who I am and where I'm calling from" conversation. A bully who went too far " is there something wrong with your hearing?"

Here endeth the conversation.

Unfortunately he was ringing for the MD and could be a potentially important call but fuck that.

So I Ieft work early, rushed like a twat to get out of the house. Got soaked at the horses and get home to a house that looks untouched. I'm 99% sure that nobody has been here. I am not impressed.

The viewings at the weekend have led to nothing. I'm well and truly sick of it all.

Sunday 14 May 2017

Day 306

Sleep
TV
Food

That is literally it. And I feel exhausted from it all!

Saturday 13 May 2017

Day 305

I viewed a house this morning. I quite liked it but so much money for not much house. Good location, 5 minutes from where I am now so I would feel happy about that, but it's a no go.

I had 2 new viewings on mine plus a second viewing today. I think they went well. Just have to wait and hear. The estate agent just dropped into the convo that some people that saw it on Thursday made an offer. She declined on my behalf as it was under the asking price, which was my concern when reducing the price again. Hopefully they'll increase. Again, a waiting game. But great news for the first week with the new agents.

Tonight the Eurovision song contest is on. What a load of shit. Nevertheless I'm watching it. My sister's close friend is part of the UK team and I like seeing her on TV every year. If you're watching shes the crazy blonde! Last year we channel hopped and saw bits of it and I can clearly remember us saying we would definitely watch it next year as it's so funny. If only I knew... The thing that gets me is that he did know. What was the point in discussing the future? I hope he's watching it tonight. Alone and miserable.

Friday 12 May 2017

Day 304

TFIF,  not that the weekends are really that much different from the weekdays. Just no work. Still stressful. Still early mornings. But still TF.

Last nights 4 viewers all turned up. 2 didnt like, 2 did. 1 of them is coming back tomorrow for a second viewing and I have another 2 people viewing for the first time. I've learnt my lesson not to get my hopes up, so I'm not.

Estate agents are such hard work. I can  only communicate via email during work hours as I dont want to stand in the street to make phone calls. Do estate agents ever reply to emails?  Do they hell. I've tried to book to look at houses at the weekend and I've not had a reply out of any of them. It's so frustrating. They deserve their bad reputation. There's 2 houses on with my old agent that I want to see. I think they've ignored my emails as they think I'm am arsehole. Bit awkward but surely it's their business!

Tonight shall be spent trying not to make a mess in the house so I don't have to spend too long tidying in the morning. Boring

Thursday 11 May 2017

Day 303

4 viewings tonight so I could have done without one dog pissing in my bed this morning and the other digging a hole to Australia in the garden. I ended up half an hour late for work and had to leave an hour and half early to get home to sort the house out.

I still feel rough. Headache, sinuses, exhausted.

So much so that I'm ashamed to say I went to McDonald's for my dinner. I despise McDonald's, it's vile. But it was quick and thankfully I can't taste anything anyway.

I'm interested to get feedback from tonights viewings, fingers crossed.

Wednesday 10 May 2017

Day 302

The young girl that came off her horse died last night. What a waste. So sad and totally preventable.

Puts things into perspective and makes me feel a bit pathetic for phoning in sick today. I have a cold and felt sick this morning. What a wimp. My head is banging still, my sinuses I think.

I now have 4 viewings booked for tomorrow evening which doesn't give me long to de-dog the house after work. Im working through my lunch so I can get home at 5. First viewing is at 6.20. I need to vacuum, clean the bathroom etc this evening but I cant be arsed.

And there's no food.

Tuesday 9 May 2017

Day 301

Good news. The girl that came off her horse isn't dead. But she's on a ventilator with serious head injuries. She is alive but her life could be drastically changed. I hope not.

But back to me...

I still have a sore throat and cough today. It's been quite painful and I hope it goes away soon. I'm feeling quite worn out, just for a change!

My boss called me up for a chat today to let me know he hasn't forgotten about my pay rise. That he agrees with me and that I am valuable. He is doing some research and is due to go in holiday next week so on his return will speak to the other director and get back to me. I suspect he's talking to a busines consultant that we have in from time to time. She was in the office a few months ago and funnily enough I was hoping to get her advice on asking for a raise but never got the chance. I hope they do right by me.

My house went on the market with the new agents today and I already have 4 viewings booked. 2 on Thursday night, 1 on Saturday and 1 on Monday night. I'm sure the price drop has alot to do with it but its still good news.

The dogs constant whining has finished me off for the day so I'm going to bed with my kindle. I don't care if its still daylight.

Monday 8 May 2017

Day 300

I thought today started off well. I was out with the horses as the sun was coming out at 5am. It was really nice. I had all green traffic lights, felt today would be a good day.

I got home to get ready for work and felt rough. I had woken up with a sore throat but thought maybe I was so tired I'd been snoring. But all day I've been sneezing and had a headache. The sneezing has now gone to be replaced by a tight chest, painful cough and husky voice. I also threw up as soon as I got home this evening.

I want to go to bed. It's 8pm. Too early to put the dogs to bed when they've been home alone all day.

And now I've seen a post on Facebook that a girl from my stables has come off her horse tonight and died. She wasn't wearing a hat. I don't know her, she's on a different part of the yard to me, but I'm really cross. Why wouldn't you wear a hat? What an idiot. She doesn't deserve to be dead but she did nothing to prevent it. And I feel awful as what I really want to ask is if her horse is ok. I'm going to hell!

Anybody reading this that drives on country lanes...please be considerate of horse and riders. Some of us are rude ignorant bastards that won't thank you but most of us are extremely grateful that you don't kill us or our beloved animals. Dont forget, if a horse lands on your bonnet you're probably going to die too.  We don't want to ride on the road but sometimes we have no choice. And we do have a right to be there...horses are the original mode of transport.

Please pass wide and slow. If the rider doesn't say thank you they're a cunt. But their horse doesnt deserve to be hit.

Sunday 7 May 2017

Day 299

299. Thats a really big number.

I'm almost afraid, or is it ashamed, to go back and read Day 21. My first entry. Back then, 299 days ago, I was in a mess. Life was not good and could have got much worse if not for the help I received from the people around me as well as those that went through it with me by reading my diary.

But at least I had something to talk about. Now I don't have anything. Not really any drama, just boring day to day shit of no interest to anyone. Its just highlighting to me how I have literally nothing going on. I am dull. Alone. Boring. Moaning about the house. Getting up early. Work. Why am I bothering to put it down on paper.

Because this has become an addiction. I've recommended to a few people that are going through things to write it down. Let it out. When you see things in black and white..they're just words. Its helped me get perspective on alot of things.

But I think it's pretty much run its course.

I want to be able to write about some good things. Nice things happening for me instead of doom and gloom. I want to share when I sell the house. When I find my new house. When I finally collect the keys and go it alone properly. When I can just be Sarah and not poor me that was cheated on and has to live in the same house with all of my exes things for a year. Will I ever get there? God I hope so.

So I'm thinking maybe I'll go to Day 365. And stop. I'll then just write in my diary when I want to or have something I need to say. Will I be able to do it though? Like I said, it's an addiction

Saturday 6 May 2017

Day 298

Final viewing with the shitty agents today.

Onwards and upwards

Friday 5 May 2017

Day 297

Today started good.

Up at 4.30 to do the horses followed by a quick dog walk on the moor. There were 2 tiny foals about a week old running around together. So cute. One of them came really close to my dog and they were almost touching noses. I wished I had my camera.

All of my 20 mile drive to work I felt confident for my 9.30 appointment with the MD. I was fine when I got to work. Fine through my meeting until....

I told him "I want to ask for a payrise, a big payrise". Fuck..the cheek of it. I went boiling hot like never before and could feel myself bright red. He had to open a window. The shame! We had a brief convo about it, I didnt give him my whole speel. He told me he didnt know the going rate but the company would be fucked if I left. I told him I've got by on verbal praise for the past few years but it's now no longer enough. When I eventually move house it's going to be further from work and I'm likely to be looking at a 50 mile round trip, and that I just can't do it.

I'm so relieved to have done it. I'm now  worried though that he'll deliberate on it and come back to me with a £1000 or £2000 rise which will be of no help to me at all. I want £5000 and hoped he was going to ask me what I was looking for. The hot flushes I was having stopped me going into too much detail which is annoying.

So next week I hope to have some positive news. In the meantime I have another person viewing the house tomorrow, the last lot with the rubbish agents. Can they pull it out of the bag at the last minute? Unlikely.

Thursday 4 May 2017

Day 296

More post arrived for him today. I'm really sick of it. Some stuff from his mobile phone company and what looks like appointment letter from the NHS. Important stuff..they should have the correct address! I've written on the envelopes "Stop posting to this address he moved July 2016".

What a selfish prick. Thank God I've mostly got my head together now but how is a person supposed to move on?

I just want it all over.

I've decided to trust the new estate agent and am opting for a sale price £5000 less than it is now. If it doesn't work I'm up shit street as I cannot reduce any further and expect to find a suitable property to buy that I actually have a chance of liking..I'll be scraping the property barrel as it is. I'm really hoping it works, I can't take much more disappointment.

Speaking of which..I'm asking for a payrise tomorrow.

Wednesday 3 May 2017

Day 295

I didn't need to worry about being kept awake with thoughts about house prices and pay rises. I slept like a corpse.

A friend was seeing to the horses so I didn't have to get up and go at 4.30 this morning. Yay! I still got up at 5 to let the dogs out but went back to bed. Then I noticed the old dog had a really swollen jaw and throat and was shaky and cold with shallow breathing. Fantastic. Of course I couldn't sleep as I was convinced he was going to die. The vets didnt open until 8.50 and I was afraid to leave him in case the swelling got worse and he choked or suffocated. I had to phone my boss and tell him I needed to take the morning off work.

Not ideal as today was the day I was going to ask for a pay rise. I had my appraisal booked for this afternoon and it was the perfect opportunity to tackle it.

Just my luck.

£70 later and I have meds for the dog which will hopefully sort him out. I arrived at work and at my bosses suggestion my appraisal has been postponed until Friday.   It's fate. I just hope I don't bottle it and actually ask.

Tuesday 2 May 2017

Day 294

No offer on the house. They decided it wasn't for them. It needs work. Surely that was obvious after the first visit but some people are dumb fucks.

I was so pissed off. The shitty agent really led me to believe I was going to get an offer. I could finally start looking at houses or myself. Look forwards instead of feeling trapped in "cheated on limbo".

But I'm still here.

The new estate agents have been round to measure and take photos this afternoon. As soon as my notice is up next week I can go live with them. I just need to decide on a price. They recommend £5k lower than my current asking price. Thats £10k lower than the original marketing price. I don't know what to do. I'm desperate for every penny as it could be the difference between living in an area I feel safe and one I don't. But staying here is doing me in. I just want it over with but should that mean I lose money? I hate having to make all the decisions alone. I really don't know what to do. And if reduce it and it doesn't sell?

My head is mashed and I'm exhausted from thinking about it.

But it's keeping my mind off the fact I've decided to ask for a substantial payrise tomorrow. I'm nervous. I've never asked for a rise in any of my jobs. I've had lots of advice and been given things to read on how to ask for a rise but I've decided to just be honest. It's a small enough company that the MD knows me, my workload and more importantly, my value to the company. I'm going to go in with that. Plus I will potentially be moving a bit further away from the office so I could be looking at a 50 mile round trip which is not an attractive prospect. If he says no then I'll know where I stand and can make any decisions I need to and not base them on the location of my office .

I am so tired and stressed I hope this doesn't keep me awake tonight

Monday 1 May 2017

Day 293

I'm a failure. The few things I wanted to achieve in 2017 and I've already failed after 4 months.

This weekend I have had to tell my friend I can't go to her wedding in London. I've also had to tell my old school friend that I can't go with her to the Bros concert I bought a ticket for last year.

I can't afford one trip to London let alone two. I don't know what I'd do with the dogs while I was away. I'm really disappointed. I'm also really ashamed to admit I'm slightly relieved as I was nervous about going to either alone. It's so hard to be me after so long being us.

As I said...failure.

I have the day off work tomorrow. I'm hoping to hear from the estate agents. Powers that be...give me a break, please!