Monday 31 July 2017

Day 381

Still no date to move house. Nobody can agree on the same day. It's all such a bore.

I hope it isn't too long, I sold my fridge tonight! I also hope the built in fridge and freezer in the new house work as I haven't checked them before selling mine.

I packed another box. Dog stuff. A whole massive box for dog towels, blankets, bowls and a selection of outerwear ranging from hi-viz to tartan. My dogs have more clothes than me. I also packed the little christmas outfits that poor Ronnie used to wear. He left me just before last Christmas, its too sad to give away his outfits. He loved dressing up as an elf, or so I tell myself.  Big sigh...I love you Ronnie.

Sunday 30 July 2017

Day 380

Food, binge watching TV and multiple ice creams. This pretty much sums up today.

Saturday 29 July 2017

Day 379

I really tried to have a lie in today. I'm so shattered I thought it would do me good. Wrong. I managed to stay in bed until
about 9 but I was by no means rested. The dogs were driving me mad before I even got up so I was stressed already and it didn't get much better.

I tried to go upstairs to sort some stuff out but couldn't cope with the stress of the dog crying and ended up having to take them both with me which was less than useful. So I gave up. I cried. My headache got worse. I contemplated taking him to the vets to be put to sleep. I cried some more. I don't know how I'm going to get it all done. And what about when I get to the new house and I want to unpack and decorate. I can't do that with a senile dog attached to me. I'm finding it so hard. I love him dearly, he has really been my most genuine and trusted friend but I can't take much more of it. I am going to go insane and it's naking me so stressed. But the thought of it happening is too awful to bare. I just have to think back to December when I had to make the decision with his brother. Just awful.

Friday 28 July 2017

Day 378

I didnt exchange contracts on the house. I can't find anyone to look after my dogs while I move. I've booked a removal van and just guessed the date.

I've got the weekend blues. Not had them for a while, they started at lunchtime when I was suddenly overwhelmed with loneliness. A year ago I absolutely hated the weekends. I was so sad and alone. I felt that a little today.  I have so much to do and noone to help me.

I'm sure I'll perk up tomorrow.

Thursday 27 July 2017

Day 377

I felt pretty crap again this morning. Starting to tell myself theres something sinister going on. Must not look on google.

I seem to have booked a removal van but haven't actually had confirmation of a date yet. I havent paid a deposit yet so hopefully if I need to change it there won't be a problem.

No packing again. I didn't get home from dogs/horses until about 8.45 so that doesn't leave me much time. I need to crack on at the weekend. I need to tackle the scary shed.

Wednesday 26 July 2017

Day 376

No bad dreams last night but a migraine this morning instead. I've felt really sickly all day. Dizzy and waves of queasiness.

I managed to get home in one piece but threw up as soon as I arrived.

All coincidental. Nothing to do with this being the anniversary of twat features leaving. To be honest I've barely given it a thought. I've been more concerned with feeling ill. But it is the last "anniversary" day involving him. I have officially been free of him for a year and although it didn't feel too good for quite some time, it feels pretty ok now.

Now to just get this house move out of the way so I can get on with my life

Tuesday 25 July 2017

Day 375

It's never a good start when you wake up to remember dreaming about your cheating ex partner.

It hasn't happened for ages and it did leave me feeling a bit unsettled. It wasn't a sex dream. It was normal. We were a family again. My dogs were in it. We were on holiday, by the sea. I think that's what made it worse, the fact that the dogs were in it. It was natural.

I soon shook it off though and only typing this now do I feel a bit down again. Tomorrow is 1 year to the day that he left for good. Perhaps thats why I dreamt about him? Obviously I've been keeping track on the days , dates etc, what with the whole "days since the world ended" thing, but didn't really think it was impacting me. Perhaps its just coincidence.

I washed a load of stuff this evening and packed it. I've made more mess. I'm just going round in circles being utterly unproductive. I'm potentially moving in 3 weeks, I need to get my skates on.

Monday 24 July 2017

Day 374

Uneventful. Stress free. Just how I like it.

Sunday 23 July 2017

Day 373

A lie in! I stayed in bed until 9am...well I got up for dogs at 5 but went back to my pit and they left me alone. I actually checked they were still alive a couple of times as they usually cry and howl for their breakfast. But thankfully not today.

I've been feeling so tired the past week. More than when I was getting up at 4.30 every morning during the winter. Maybe its the weather? Maybe its stress?

I met my parents, my step brother and his new girlfriend for lunch. We met at the pub halfway between us. Mine and Gavins fave place for special occasions. I've been there quite a few times now since he's been gone. I didn't really think of him today. Until writing this really. It's strange meeting new people that don't know me as part of Gav and Sar. I'm just Sarah to them. I guess that's good but it does make me feel a bit embarrassed to be single. Like people think I'm single because I'm ugly and fat. Which is probably the route cause if I'm honest but I know I shouldn't have such self esteem issues and assume people have a low opinion about of me.

I've done zero packing. Not one single thing. I took a couple of duvets to the tip en route to lunch. The bag they were in had a spider in it so obviously there was no way I could keep them.

Saturday 22 July 2017

Day 372

Today has mostly involved sitting on my fat arse and eating.

I've packed nothing,  I haven't walked the dogs and I haven't been to check on my horses. I am a bad person.

I took one of the dogs to the groomers this morning and I popped out to the supermarket this evening for less than an hour. Other than the odd trip to the loo or the fridge I have been planted on the sofa. I even fell asleep for half an hour which is unheard of as my sofa is so uncomfortable. The dogs kindly woke me up and interrupted the dream I was having about Gavin. I felt a little odd about it when I first woke but now I'm just annoyed by myself for letting him creep in.

Tomorrow I have lunch with my parents at my favourite foody pub. My step brother and his new girlfriend are down for the weekend so I get to meet her. Hope I don't feel awkward. I wonder if I'm actually becoming a bit agoraphobic or just really really unsociable.

Friday 21 July 2017

Day 371

Friday!

Works been pretty boring this week. Boss has decided to remove a member of my team from under me. The woman that cried a couple of weeks ago. Supposedly not related to that but I'm not convinced. A few months ago I would have been livid, over thought it all. But now I just think, fuck it. Shes thick as shit and a drain on me, so thanks for the payrise and reducing my stress levels.

I haven't done any packing for a few days now, I must crack on this weekend but I have to go out a couple of times, other than to see the horses, so no doubt that will be my excuse not to.

The hairy panting dog is going to the hairdressers tomorrow so hopefully she won't be so hot and keep me awake at night with her heavy breathing. It will cost about £50 which is ridiculous considering I haven't had my hair cut for over 2 years and dye my hair at home because I don't want to pay for a hairdresser.

I get paid on Wednesday and I have over £400 currently in my bank account. Selling off some crap has really helped but yay for my payrise! I'm normally overdrawn by now!

Thursday 20 July 2017

Day 370

I'm going to not write in my diary for the first time in 370 days

Wednesday 19 July 2017

Day 369

Stress, getting myself wound up.

Solicitors messing around, my buyers have put forward a completion date but I can't do it as I can't take the time off work. I was so annoyed. My colleague is moving house next week amd instead if taking the week off then hes taking the day to move and then a weeks holiday a few weeks later. Knowing full well that I'll be waiting for a move date myself.

I spent the whole day in a strop fighting back tears. Yes, I've said I can't do that date and have given 10 days later as the earliest I can do but it's the principal of it. When I bought the house another selfish idiot did exactly the same thing to me. But I was staying with my parents which meant I bought the house but it had to sit empty while the silly bitch swanned off on holiday. I've not really been friends with her since then, and now my closest friend at work has done it. I should have put money on the fact that it would happen.

Tuesday 18 July 2017

Day 368

I forgot again. I don't know why, I havent done anything to distract me from my diary. Apart from hoover for the first time in quite a long time. More than one month. Less than three. The shame of it.

Monday 17 July 2017

Day 367

Game of Thrones. New series started today. I've never watched an episode without him. I don't care. I didn't miss him. I hope he missed me. Tosser.

Sunday 16 July 2017

Day 368

Another unbelievably lazy day.

I've got into this cycle of doing absolutely fuck all except watch TV and eat rubbish. Although I did do some packing.  I put 8 cushions in 2 bin bags. Hardly taxing but it did get my bum off the seat for a couple of minutes. I was going to sort through bedding but noticed a dead spider inside a bag from the loft that had a duvet and pillows in it. They'll all be going in the bin now. I don't do spiders.


Saturday 15 July 2017

Day 367

Super lazy day.

A gardener came round to tidy up all the weeds in case my buyers drive past and change their minds as the house is a shit hole. I told myself I would do loads of tidying and packing while he was here but my bum did not leave the sofa.

I've done absolutely nothing. 

Friday 14 July 2017

Day 366

Friday. Thank god. Its been a pretty crappy week workwise - I made one of my team cry one day, which is always nice.

Ive been lazy as hell this evening. I've sat on my fat arse as stuffed my face. I've not been to my horses and I feel really bad. i have to go early tomorrow morning to make sure I'm home in time for the gardener that is coming round to sort the garden out so I don't leave it too overgrown for the new owners. That means I have to pick up the dog poo before he gets here. My favourite job.

So I'll basically be spending my weekend handling poo. Anyone want to swap lives?

Thursday 13 July 2017

Day 365

One whole year.

I can't believe so much time has passed. My memory is not so good these days, old age, but I can remember certain parts of that day as if it were yesterday.

How do I feel today? I wouldn't exactly say fantastic, it's not in my nature to be so positive, but I am not far off. In comparison to 12 months ago anyway. I mentioned to a friend that I was doing good today but would probably cry if I re-read my first post later on. "So don't read it" she said. I don't know why I thought I would. Should. It would be self torture or punishment. I don't want to dwell on it. 12 months ago I considered suicide being an option. Who is that person? Not anybody I recognise.

So I've got all the entries in my diary to look back on if I ever need reassurance that I'm doing ok.

For now I'm going to try and look forward.

Thank you everybody for getting me through the last year in one piece.

Wednesday 12 July 2017

Day 364

Had a good day today. I actually forgot about writing in my diary.

So I'm not.

Tuesday 11 July 2017

Day 363

After last nights meltdown I'm ok today. Apart from the puffy eyes and banging head that come from hours of crying the night before.

I don't know what it was all about. Today is one year since I got home from work and Gavin told me he was leaving in a few days, he'd rented a place, a removal van was coming for him, he didn't love me and it was my fault because I am horrible.

I didn't know about grab a granny, I didn't really believe him as he had packed his phone charger and pants a couple of times before and just ended up down B&Q car park for a couple of hours. We had even laughed about it. I now realise with hindsight that he was possibly in B&Q car park but was no doubt on the phone to his mistress. Wanker.

But I can honestly sit here today and say I'm ok with it. In so much as there's no raw pain anymore. Did it cause yesterday's upset? I don't know. It would be very coincidental. I've not been that upset for a very long time.

Monday 10 July 2017

Day 362

I can't stop crying. I'm pathetic.

I've been fine all day. It's nothing to do with Gavin. Not directly anyway. It's ridiculous, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I was at work today standing at the printer watching this lady out the window in her car going backwards and forwards in a parking space. Her tiny bony sparrow like arms going hell for leather on the steering wheel. I was laughing to myself. Thinking I was going to go out and park the bloody car for her. Eventually satisfied with her  maneuvering she got out. And I just felt so sad. She was old and hunched up. She got her little handbag out of the backseat and her walking stick and suddenly my life just flashed before my eyes.

I am so afraid of being old, alone. I don't care about Gavin. He can fuck off. But I do care that my sense of security has gone.

I was fine the rest of the day and rhis evening. It was when I was driving back fron the stables that i remembered that lady and the flood gates opened. Proper scrunched face out loud crying. It won't stop. It's made worse by the fact that I got home and downed a bottle of cheap lager and now I feel drunk. Drunk, crying, lonely.

Fucking fell its like I'm 13 again.

Sunday 9 July 2017

Day 361

What a day. I feel like I actually accomplished something.

I am lazy by nature. I am in my natural habitat on the sofa, in front of the TV, food in hand.

I went to the horses early this morning before it got too hot. When I got home I sat about for a bit but grit my teeth and head out to the garage again. I've gone from being obsessed about my crap life and cheating fiance to non stop commentary on the state of my garage and the skip! I cringe but I can't help it. It's an enormous task. But I've done it. I lifted and moved and chucked and bagged and sorted. The skip is full. The garage is still rammed but everything in there now has been opened, looked at and sorted and is to be keep.

I did it. Without any help. I overcame the temptation to sit around and bury my head in the sand and I'm really proud of myself. Although I did think I'd have a go at the garden shed but after opening the door and seeing all the greenery that's grown through the roof and is now housing many cobwebs, I decided that was a step too far.

The rest of the day I've spend laughing to myself while being entertained by the hilarious online conversations I'm lucky enough to join in on. The past year it really has been the kindness and friendship of virtual strangers that has kept me sane and I'm very grateful to have "met" them.

Tomorrow is a year since the last day I didn't know my fiance was leaving me. Not sure how I feel about it. I think I couldn't care less but surely that can't be right?

Saturday 8 July 2017

Day 361

Nope. Can't be bothered. Too hot. Too tired. Tomorrow maybe

Friday 7 July 2017

Day 360

I decided tonight to write a proper entry on my laptop instead of a quickie on my phone.

Can I find the bloody thing? No. Out of the whole entire house that needs packing up I've filled 2 boxes with stuff I actually need.

I am not impressed at my own stupidity so no proper entry again today.

Thursday 6 July 2017

Day 359

Since I told Gavin not to contact me again I feel like I can't be bothered to carry on with my diary.

Or maybe it's just the fact that I have absolutely nothing to record. Not doing any packing. Sitting on my arse being lazy. It doesn't make for a day worth recording.

Maybe tomorrow something interesting will hapen.

Wednesday 5 July 2017

Day 358

Early start.
Lovely sunrise..alone.
Work.
Big shouty argument with work husband.
Sold some crap.
Packed a whole box.
Found a picture of me and Gavin.
Binned it.
Doing ok.

Tuesday 4 July 2017

Day 357

I still haven't shed any tears, I'm proud of myself.

Although I could quite easily cry at the sight that greeted me when I opened the garage door to have a go this evening. I spent 60 minutes sweating and swearing, dragging crap out onto the driveway. I burrowed a path to the back where I found about 20 bags of clothes. Mine and his. Various sizes. I fully intend to bin his, or try one of those cash for clothes places, but not sure about mine. None of the stuff fits. It's clothes ranging from size 12 to 20+. Some is brand new. I would love to try and get into it again. Plus I have the space in my new house. Yes fuck it decision made, I'm keeping it.

So I sweat and swore some more and dragged the majority if it back in again. Not very productive but I had a huge pizza takeaway to pat myself on the back.

And now I have to get up at 5am to go to go to the horses in the morning because I skived off tonight to eat piza.

Monday 3 July 2017

Day 356

As a certain person is no longer in my life I don't really have anything to write today. After all this time waiting to be rid of him it would be silly to go on about how I'm  irritated that he hasn't messaged me an apology. How he hasn't asked where I'm moving to. How I made it to the middle of the garage this evening and discovered loads of junk from his work that I now have to dispose of.

So I won't. Instead I'll say nothing and have an evening off.

Sunday 2 July 2017

Day 354

He turned up. Late. In a poxy small van and without a helper.  He looked rough. Unhealthy. Scruffy. I was so glad I had made the effort to put on some make up  and clean clothes.

It didn't start well. I went out to move my car so he could park his van outside. Error number 1 - he didn't ask me why I had an old banger instead of my comfortable dog friendly estate.  When I questioned him being lacking in the van department he got all huffy and actually made to get back in it and drive off with a "fuck this" attitude. Unbelievable. The slimy toad has avoided doing anything house related for 11 months and he thinks he can just swan off because he feels uncomfortable. After telling him quite loudly that he's not the hard done by one and in no uncertain terms that he was a fucking wanker, he made into the house.

He refused my help which I was glad of. It was only offered as his tshirt was getting more and more sweat soaked with every trip to and from the van. My house is built into a hill so I have a steep driveway then a load of steps just to get to the front door. A heart attack would have been quite inconvenient and would mean that I would have to deal with it, so carrying some stuff downstairs seemed preferable. But he was having none if it.

He was here a couple of hours. I left him to it. An amusing conversation was going on online so he caught me laughing at my phone a few times which I quite liked.

At one point I suggested a reconfiguration of the stuff he was shoving in the van. Squashy stuff was taking precedent and he had no room for the bits of furniture I paid a solicitor to confirm in writing he could have. He suggested he came back another day to collect the rest. Gobsmacked. I stood there and told the man I used to love that I never wanted to see or hear from him again after today. I was calm, my chin didn't quiver but some treacherous tears welled in my eyes. But I maintained my composure. His face was bright red, sweaty, disgusting. He looked choked up. I didn't care.

So I carried on staying out the way while he carried on making alot of noise and actually doing very little. When he announced he was going without taking anything from the garage he said again he could come back next Sunday. Seriously what is wrong with him? "When you leave here I want you to delete my phone number. There is no coming back."  So he said "seeya dogs" and off he went. That upset me. The animals were our children. Our lives revolved around, were ruled by the animals. He was obviously just along for the ride and wasn't invested in them like I am. He didn't pet them, cuddle them. Fuck me I pay more attention to a stranger in the streets dog than he did to "our" own. He didn't ask after the horses either.

Neither did he ask where I was going to. How rude. It's insulting that he cares so little for another human being that he wronged.

Obviously I didn't get a heartfelt apology either.

So it's done. He's gone. Forever. I don't feel sad. I feel pissed off I have to deal with all the stuff left behind. It's a lot for a person to do alone. I have no time during the week and weekends, well I'm just so damned lazy.

But he's gone. That's the main thing. In theory no future entries should include him. He is no longer in my life.

Saturday 1 July 2017

Day 353

I've had the most unproductive day EVER.

I have literally watched TV and stuffed my face.

In other news twat face text earlier to confirm he is coming round tomorrow morning to collect stuff. I asked him to send me the money he owes for the bloody skip,  he said yes he will. He hasn't.

I've hidden a few things he probably was expecting to take. Like the £100+ printer he made me buy him for Christmas and I happily did so not knowing he'd just had sex with somebody's grandmother for the first time. I predict there will be ugly scenes. He won't take all his junk. Won't give me the money.

Won't fuck off and die.