Day 472

No bad dreams
Argument with colleague
Cuddle with a baby
Out for lunch
Slow punctured tyre
Cold
Tired

Day 471

Today was my first early start of the winter. 5am. I was at the stables by 5.35 and it was pitch black.

By the time I'd finished and was walking the dogs the sky was turning pink and it was beautiful.

Exhaustion has overcome me now though so that is all for today

Day 470

More dreams. Its becoming an issue now. I'm not sure if by worrying about dreaming of him I'm causing them myself. I don't know  what the solution is.

Today I met my mum for lunch. It felt good to put non work or stable scruffy clothes on. But I was glad to get home.

Tomorrow morning I have to get up at 5am to go to the horses before work. Of  course tonight my deaf neighbours have decided to watch a film in bed and it is loud. Sounds like Lord of the Rings. Just what I need. Not.

Day 469

I'm so exhausted. Last night's dream was about my ex of 10+ years ago. The one who commented on my facebook yesterday. It's predictable, I knew I would.

I spent a few hours with the horses this morning which was really nice. They're good for my soul. I'm so lucky yet they're totally wasted with me. But they have an easy life and they're happy so it's all good.

The rest of the day I've pretty much sat on my arse and binge watched a series on Netflix so I also now have a headache. I wanted to go to bed mid afternoon. If I wasn't  worried about pissy pants me and the dogs could have just gone for a siesta. But I'm not risking it again.

Clocks go back tonight so I'll be getting up for the barking dog anywhere between 2.30 and 4.30 in the morning. Fantastic.

Day 468

So last night's attempt at a good night's sleep was a fail. My idea to take the dogs up to bed with me to protect me from the bad dreams was risky when one of them is elderly and incontinent. And he didn't disappoint me.

2 wee's later and I had another knackering night with the added benefit of having to wash all my bed sheets. Which l've  done but of course haven't put back on and now it's time for bed. Why does that always happen? It's so annoying.

Tonight the dogs can stay downstairs and I'll sleep with the light on if I'm scared.

Today a former long term boyfriend, fiance in fact, commented on a Facebook photo I shared of Alfie dog. We got him and his brother when we were together. He creeps out every now and again.  I havent seen him for about 12 years. We were together for almost 10. It ended abruptly. Suddenly. And yet now I'd  be quite interested in having a proper conversation with him, meeting even. To catch up and find out how his life is. But I could never imagine doing that with Gavin. In 12 years time I will still hate him and I will never forgive him. Bastard.

Day 467

I had such a horrible scary non-Gavin related dream last night. I was awake for hours with the light on. I felt like shit this morning.

But I made it through the day.

Tonight I started to watch a film before I realised it was supernatural and scary (to me) as hell. So now I'm exhausted and scared to go to bed by myself.

So I'm risking it..and keeping everything crossed that Alfie doesn't pee, or worse, in my bed.

Day 466

Too tired today.

Work, horses, dogs. Dinner at 9pm. And the winter routine hasn't even started yet. How did I manage it last year with everything that was going on?

Must. Sleep.

Day 465

No bad dreams last night. I'm still exhausted though, I don't know how I'll  manage the early winter starts in a couple of weeks.

And yet I still can't go to bed early.

Day 464

My mind is playing nasty tricks on me still. I woke up in tears this morning, crying out loud with tears running down my face.

More Gavin dreams. It's always the same. We're together but he's horrible and acting suspicious and then he leaves. It's always him, Gavin, but sometimes he looks like my ex of 10+ years ago. It's unsettling and cruel and I wish it would stop. I think last night was because of a TV programme I watched that had cheating in it. Will it ever  go away?

I ended up spending the day absolutely exhausted but come 10pm I don't feel like going to bed.

The Walking Dead was back on tonight. The second series of it that I've watched on my own. I didn't mind..I don't mind being alone mostly.  I just wish the dreams would fuck off!

Day 463

Sunday.

2 trips to the stables. 1 trip to the phone shop. £300 later and I'm reminded that I don't like change and I'm not very good with technology especially as my memory is so bad nowadays.

So for the forseeable future I'll be carting 2 phones around with me. Like a drug dealer.

Back to work tomorrow to witness the ongoing favouritism of the bosses son. I must just focus on the payrise I had and bite my tongue. But it won't be easy. I can feel resentment creeping in and thats not good.

I managed not to do any damage to my car today. In fact I put air in the tyres. And I remembered to put the caps back on.

Day 462

Waste of a Saturday today

- Dreamt of Gavin all night
- Stayed in bed til 9.30
- Went to the phone shop
- Left the phone shop as 2 : 50 ratio of  
  staff to customers was not appealing
- Bought a water bucket for the stables
- Paid a garage to change a car headlight
  bulb
- Walked the dogs
- Mucked out and fed 3 horses
- Reversed into a stony bank (must get
  garage to fix back window de-mister so I
  can see where the fuck I'm reversing)
- Made macaroni cheese
- Watched TV
- Bed

The End.

Day 461

Second diary entry of the day. Not because I have anything interesting to write about but because my day numbers will be cocked up if I don't.

Maybe something interesting will happen tomorrow.

Day 461

I forgot to write in my diary last night so this is really day 462 but my neurosis won't let me skip a number.

Nothing happened yesterday. Work was crap. The bosses son, the trainee, is being given opportunities that nobody else is and I had to highlight this to him for my own peace of mind. It fell on deaf ears but at least I said my bit. Thankfully neither of them are going to be in work today so I shouldn't get too wound up.

What is winding me up is my phone. It's 2.5 years old now and starting to have problems. I have no patience for frozen screens or waiting for my typing to catch up with me. I need a new one but this was always Gavin's domain. I don't really care so long as it does what I need it to and doesn't cost me too much. But I can't get a new phone because I can't decide what to do. There are too many and even the crappest ones are expensive. So I'm irritated. I'm also irritated by my IPad which is really old and so slow it would be quicker to do this diary entry with smoke signals. I have no patience. For anything.

Because the weather was bad overnight I had to get up at 4.30 to go to the horses. It's now just after 7am and I've been home around 20 minutes. I've mucked out 3 stables, walked the dogs, fed them, now having a cup of tea before showering and heading off on my 26 mile journey to do a full days work in the office. I predict grumpiness.

Day 460

My stress levels are at defcon 1.

Alfie is whining and crying, up and down from the sofa, in and out from the garden. Looking for food, licking, chewing, heavy breathing. Then whining again. My nerves feel like they're about to snap.

At least his tummy seems a bit better and I'm not under as much threat of being crapped on.  What has my life come to?

Day 459

Woke with a headache again today but thankfully no dog poo drama.

Not sure if it's the headache and feeling tired but he's crept into my thoughts today. I don't want him there. Ever. I can't believe how much time has passed and how different things are. Does he ever give me a second thought?

Unlikely..selfish bastard.

Day 458

I'm in a world dog poo. Literally.

Old boy Alfie is leaking out of his butt. He can't help it. I can't stand it. Especially as he comes up to my bed for a couple of hours after he wakes me up barking at 4.30 each morning. Less than ideal.

It's been going on for a few days and is very stressful. No doubt the reason for todays migraine.  The weather is weird. The house is hot. I need to get some decent sleep tonight and avoid another headache tomorrow.

Day 457

I forgot to write my diary today. Good job I've had a boring day with nothing to record.

Day 456

I spent a lovely few hours with the horses today. I miss spending time with them. I always seem to be in a rush and just dont give them the attention they deserve. So today was good.

Nothing else going on.

Day 455

10pm on Friday night and I'm in bed. Just to get away from the dog, the whining and confused little guy who's driving me insane.

No drama today thankfully. Tomorrow I plan to purchase a cheap lawnmower to cut the grass before winter. I think it will require some assembly. I predict a disaster.

Day 454

I'm embarrassed by my reaction to yesterdays car drama.

This morning I donned my rubber gloves and went to work under the bonnet mopping up as much spilt oil as I could. Then I had a shower, got ready for work and called a taxi to take me to and from the car parts shop. Voila. Problem solved.

The initial fear of being alone, helpless and vulnerable doesn't get any easier as the dramas go on. I'm adapting to single life really well. Until something happens to make me feel so alone.

So I overreacted. I cried. I ranted in my diary. I couldn't get to sleep for worrying about it. And then Hey Presto! £30 later and its all sorted.

Day 453

I'm so upset with myself. With the world. With my life.

I'm utterly useless and my own worst enemy. Like an adult I put oil in my car at the weekend. Like a pea brained air head fucking idiot I didn't put the engine cap back on. Now under the bonnet of my car I have a river of oil following an explosion from the nice full oil tank and I made it home from work crapping my pants because I had smoke coming out from under the bonnet.

Seriously what kind of fuck wit forgets to put the cap back on.

So now I'm stranded at home. Alone. Friendless. Husbandless. Brainless! No bloody car, work miles away, horses abandoned.

I have to wait until the morning to ring around and try and find somewhere I can get one from. I've had to text my boss to explain and ask him not to sack me. He must be as sick of the Sarah Show as I am.

I'm fed up and upset. I don't even know why I bother to get up in the morning. To pay for a house that I don't get to share with anyone. To pay for horses I don't even ride. To pay for a car with smoke pouring out of it.

I feel a complete failure and I fucking hate Gavin.

Day 452

More of the same today.
Stomach ache
Dog poo
Dog wee
TV

Day 451

After another bad night and more upsetting dreams about Gavin leaving me (this time he was going off to Mississippi. Wtf?), I ended up calling in sick to work as I had awful stomach ache.

I hate calling in sick. I've done it quite a bit, I'm not healthy! I feel so guilty and also feel like my colleagues will think I was skiving. I have the same guilty complex while in posh shops, like they think I'm shoplifting.

I feel better now, the clues's in the amount of crap I ate tonight. I predict another stomach ache tomorrow.

Day 450

2 nights ago I woke up crying my eyes out because Gavin was leaving me and his girlfriend was pregnant. The same night I dreamt my house was haunted.

Last night I woke up so scared that I had to leave the light on for the rest of the night.

I don't know what's causing these upsetting dreams but I hope they're gone.

Today saw the installation of my window blinds. They took about 4 hours to put up. Most of this time was taken by my stepdad measuring, scratching his head and declaring it can't be done. I ended up shouting at him which wasn't very polite considering he was helping me out but it turns out it was motivational as lo and behold he managed to fit them. Perfectly.

Back to work tomorrow. Yawn.

Day 449

I've spent loads of money and got nothing to show for it today. Note to self: don't go on a spree when you've just bought a house.

I've also baked a cake. It's a packet mix but I'm still proud of myself. Although how the hell people make beautiful cakes is beyond me, mine looks like I've dropped it. But I'm sure it will taste lovely.

I'm looking forwards to my parents visiting tomorrow. They've not been here since moving week and I hope they like the difference.  I also hope step dad does all the jobs I've got lined up for him. Hence the cake. Bribery.

Day 448

I am so bored.

I've been bored at work all day. I've only been home for a couple of hours tonight and I'm going insane. There's nothing on TV. I can't find anything on Netflix. I have nobody to talk to.

Bed it is for me!

Day 447

I literally have no life. Nothing to record in todays diary. I don't even have anything to moan about. Which I guess is a good thing.

Oh yes I do. The blinds I ordered for my living room windows arrived today. I ordered chalk white so they weren't too stark but next to the white walls they look beige. Great.

There I moaned after all.

Day 446

Yawn fest.

Arseholes at work.
Crap Tom Cruise film.
Burnt Pizza

Day 445

Today I feel like I want to hurt grab a granny. Send her some dog poo, damage her business by letting her customers know the nursery nurse is a slut.

I won't do any of it. It's just resentment I feel today because I remembered about her message to him on Facebook about his new wanky car. Bold as brass with no shame. It's making me angry just thinking about it. Solution? Don't think about it.

On a positive note I sorted the printer out and have an array of doggy and horsey photos lined up to be produced.

Day 444

Absolutely nothing going on today.

Apart from moving 20 boxes, bin bags and a sofa bed around in one of the spare rooms all so I can connect up the printer. The printer I unwittingly bought Gavin for Christmas not knowing he'd just had sex with someone else. The printer I hid from him so he couldn't take it. Haha what a dick. Unfortunately my plans to sit in front of the TV and send photos upstairs to print are less than satisfying. It's not working properly and I can't be bothered to sort it out.

Elderly dog is driving me mad. I've felt close to breaking point tonight. I've shouted at him loads and feel really guilty. Thankfully he's quite deaf and probably unaware. He's so lovely and kind but fuck I want to snap his neck when he constantly whines and cries. And the paw licking..it's made my skin crawl tonight. I feel so awful having these thoughts about him. He loves me more than my own mother. It's heart breaking to see his back legs are starting to go like his brother's did last year. I can't bear to think about what's coming. December will be a year since his brother went. Oh god, please dont make me have to do it.

Day 443

Today while half heartedly unpacking some stuff I came across a) birthday cards to Gavin from me snd the dogs b) my engagement ring c) Gavins engagement ring.

I binned the cards, tried his ring on and didn't get get mine out of its box.

Its irritating that he's still here, infecting my new life. Luckily I'm immune to most of it now. But it's never ending! How people pick themselves up and start a new relationship within months is beyond me.

Back to work tomorrow..yawn!