5 July

So it's been a while. Months, half a year or more. Am I happy, has my life changed for the better? No.

I'm miserable, lonely, poor and wondering what the point is.

Christmas was uneventful. I didn't hear from him. I was glad but also annoyed that he wasn't thinking of me.

Another car died and I had to spend the  money I'd  put aside for any horse emergencies on getting another second hand car. I've already had to call the breakdown  company out. So no change there.

I had some decorating work done and its made a huge difference to my home and also to my pot of home improvement money that is now pretty much empty. Which is fantastic as my boiler has stopped working and I've had no hot water for a week. I've spent a couple of hundred pounds trying to fix it and there's a few more parts on order, but I'm facing a bill for a new boiler and that terrifies me.

I've had to move my horses to a new stable yard. It was less stressful than I was expecting and they seem happy enough. But I don't know anybody there so I feel out of place and even more  friendless than usual.

I lost my beloved Alfie on 8 May. He was 17 years and 6 months old and had been my shadow since he was a baby. It was sudden, he took a turn and he had to be rushed to the vets one night. He didn't make it home.  I was broken for a few days but it has made life a little easier as living with an incontinent needy dog was taking its toll on me. I will forever miss him and I feel upset as I type this. But it is what it is and he's now reunited with Ronnie.

Work is shit. Home life is shit. It's just groundhog day with the odd fuck up thrown at me to mix things up.

There have been some good things. Not many, but some.  I had my first ever meet up with a friend I'd made online and it was lovely to meet her in person and I hope we can do it again when my finances are less dire. I also have a lovely friend coming to stay with me for a couple of days in August. The first time we meet will be when I collect her from the train station so that's really exciting and also the cause of some anxiety.

And my sister has had another baby girl. And she's asked me to be godmother. Which is so flattering and such an honour particularly given that anyone that knows me will know how much I dislike children, especially  babies.

So that's me. Almost 2 years on from the worst day of my life and I'm still battling on. Ups and downs just like everyone else. Today is a down day, a really down day and the reason I've headed back here rather than have a major meltdown  at work.

I miss my diary and although it had started to feel like a chain around my neck after writing in it daily for over a year, I always have it to come back to.

Day ?

I don't know what number day it is. 500 and something? 600?

It's fucking groundhog day is what it is.

Every day is virtually the same, just with  varying degrees of shit and loneliness.

I haven't written in here since way before  Christmas, almost 3 months. It's not because I've been ok. It's because I couldn't be bothered. I've got myself into a huge rut verging on agoraphobia. Although I go out to work and the horses, the supermarket, but I always rush to get home.

I don't know why because there's nobody there. No partner, no child, no housemate, no friendly neighbour. No friends full stop. I'm really struggling seeing people go about their normal lives while I'm just a  bystander.

My car died this week. My bad luck hasn't abandoned me. Again I had noone to help, to give me a lift home or to the garage. I've had to buy a new car. No second opinion or advice. I don't have anybody to come and look at cars with me. I feel absolutely by myself.

I can usually keep myself in check but today its been really difficult. I've cried a fair bit. At one point I sat on the edge of my bed and for a brief moment considered ending it all. Which I wouldn't do. But I really wonder what is the point in my existence?

I make alot of jokes about being a hermit but it's a wall I've put up because I'm so crippled with insecurity about my appearance and my weight.  You have to make your own opportunities in life and I'm fully aware of that but.....I just can't at the moment and I'm spiralling behind the jokes and self deprecating comments.

I finally asked the doctor to refer me for weight loss surgery. The answer to all my problems, or so I'm telling myself this week. Of course as it was me and my crappy luck, the appointment was cancelled because of adverse weather so I'll probably never get the referral. It took alot for me to ask for help.

I dont expect anybody to read this as I haven't posted for so long but if anybody does, I apologise. This is the most disgusting self pitying entry I've ever written and it is not meant for sympathy so no need to comment. I hope I can look back in happier times and remember not to let it slide again.

I am my own worst enemy. I know this.